


Hand Me The Warren Kepler Piñata.

by Honeywisk



Category: Wolf359 (podcast)
Genre: (can you tell I’m gay for Moulder??), Doug is Eiffel 0.2 but they are not the same person, Eiffel is canonically dead, I swear it’s fluff, I swear this sounds sad but it’s fluff, I’m such a jacoffel simp hnng, Jacobi hates November 12th, Lazy Afternoon, M/M, One Shot, Secretly for Trini (Love you babe!), This was supposed to be for Jacobis birthday but I’m impatient, We Die Like Men, birthday fic, i’m also a bad writer please forgive me, no editing, they deserve better, x-files (cause I’ve been watching it)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:53:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26689960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Honeywisk/pseuds/Honeywisk
Summary: Jacobi wakes up on Eiffel’s couch. He wants nothing to do with November 12th.. Eiffel has other plans.(This sounds NSFW but I promise you it’s not- does kissing count?? No.. right? No..)I refuse to edit this. If you have a problem take it up with my lawyer *hands picture of cat*
Relationships: Doug Eiffel & Daniel Jacobi, Doug Eiffel/Daniel Jacobi, jacoffel
Comments: 2
Kudos: 41





	Hand Me The Warren Kepler Piñata.

Jacobi sighed heavily. He was use to this. Waking up, sprawled out on Eiffels couch. Nothing but a bed sheet wrapped around his waist. The sunlight from the open patio door warmed his back, and the quiet volume of an x-files episode filled the living room.

He stretched, cracking his knuckles above his head and rolling is shoulders, accidentally knocking someone sitting beside him.

“Hey, sleepy head” Eiffel said, reaching over to run his hand through Jacobis loose hair. 

“Hey, radio-Star” Jacobi smiled as he turned his head to the side, and grabbed for Eiffels hand.

“I think we have a new winner for the ‘lazy ass sleeping in’ category” 

“Mm? What time is it?”

“2pm.”

“I’ve slept longer.” 

Eiffel scoffed, and shifted in his seat “somehow I don’t doubt that”

“Catching up on two years of lost sleep is an art. Not like you don’t sleep 12 hours a day”

“At least I sleep at healthy times. 9pm to 9am. Everyday.”

Jacobi raised his head on his hands  
“It’s so weird hearing you be responsible.”

“Still used to Eiffel being a mess?”

Jacobi winced, mentally smacked himself in the forehead, and then lifted himself onto his elbows. “Doug, I didn’t mean to imply you were-“ 

“-Daniel, it’s fine. I’m just trying to be better than Eiffel was, that’s all”. Eiffel moved his hand from Jacobis head to grab a cup of coffee sat on the table. “Besides, you’re one to talk about responsibility. You slept for 15 hours on MY couch.” 

“Whoever said I was responsible?” Jacobi harmlessly sneered

“Daniel why the hell do you even sleep on my couch? I have a bed upstairs, and you have your own home.” 

Finally sitting up, jacobi snugged himself into Eiffels side. “Now wheres the fun in being home alone? And you refuse to put a TV in your room.”

“Because you watch TV late at night, and I’m not waking up in the middle of the night to Moulder screaming” 

“Like you wouldn’t want to hear Moulder scream. Look at him” Jacobi vaugly guestured to the TV which had a scandalously clad Agent Fox Moulder running around, waving a gun.

“You got me there” Eiffel laughed, tugging Jacobi closer by his hip, leaving his hand there. 

Jacobi snuggled up on instinct, and could of sworn he felt Eiffels arm sneak around his entire torso. He wasn’t sure until he was wrapped in a waist-hug, sitting in Eiffels lap. 

“Have I ever told you how gorgeous you look?” Eiffel asked, moving a set of stray hairs from Jacobis face. 

“Not lately, no” Jacobi smiled as he leaned closer to Eiffels face, the sound of the TV fading into the background. 

“Let’s fix that shall we?” 

Eiffel leaned closer, Jacobis lips barley brushed his, just a quick lean in with a hand cupping his cheek. His eyes were hooded and dazed, before he felt a mass of fluff knock him over. 

As it turns out, Jacobi used the closeness as an excuse to grab a pillow from behind Eiffels head, and shove it in his face. 

He pinned Eiffel to the couch,  
breathlessly giggling and laughing. His legs still entangled in the bed sheet around his waist. 

Eiffel ripped the throw pillow off his face “the hell was that for?!” 

“Think you can pull a fast one on me, Radio-Star?” 

“What?” eiffel laughed 

“the hands in my hair, the touch on the hip, the kiss? You, sir, are trying to sweet talk me.” 

“Into what, exactly?” 

“I don’t know, but you even let me sleep in. if you’re trying this hard, then it’s something big”. His smile dropped from his face. “What’s the date?”

Jacobi jumped up from the couch, crumpling the ends of the sheet in his arms, and shuffled to the fridge. 

“Daniel-“ Eiffel called lifting himself up onto his elbows from his back. “Daniel look, I promised her you’d come!” 

Jacobi waddled back into the living room, this time with glasses on his face, and a magnetic fridge calendar in hand. November 12th was circled with hearts and stars. “No.”

“Why not?” 

“Because no!” Jacobi said, flailing the calendar.

“Give me one valid reason why we shouldn’t go!” 

“Number one, the woman hates me! This is probably some sort of humiliating trap!”

“Come on, Daniel! she doesn’t hate you. Yeah, you may have tried to kill her.. a few times, but you tried to kill me and now look at us!”

“Number two, you know I hate my birthday! 

Jacobi picked up the remote from the coffee table, and paused the TV on a rather unfortunate scene of a young actress being mauled by, what looks like, a giant Pomeranian. 

“Doug, You hate x-files! Is this why you watched it with me? So you could butter me up into celebrating?”

Eiffel opened his mouth and then shut it again, looking for the correct thing to say. “I’m not saying that’s not what I did?”

“Douglas!” Jacobi stomped 

“Don’t you full name me, Kenneth!” 

“Did you just use my middle name?”

“Yeah I already kinda use your full name so I panicked...”

Jacobi sighed and walked over to the couch, firmly throwing himself into the cushions. 

“Doug..” he leaned his head back “You know exactly why I don’t wanna go to Renées stupid ‘surprise’ party, yet you told her I’d go?”

Eiffel moved so he was sitting on his knees “Daniel, it’s not gonna be stupid. It’s not even much of a party! I made sure of that!” 

“How?”

“Reneé and Hera wanted balloons, banners and a giant cake that said ‘Happy 38th!” I knew that you would hate that-“

“absolutely” 

“ -So I made them settle with a simple ice cream cake. Nothing else. No big shabang, no Death Star explosions, I even canceled the piñata that looks like Kepler.” 

“the what?”

“Point is-“ Eiffel continued “- It’s all very Daniel Jacobi. Simple, short, and sweet. I know your birthday reminds you of your parents, and you don’t want to think about them, so I made it all very.. you. It’s not about them. It’s about you.” 

Jacobi looked up at Eiffel, neck length hair pulled into a half up-do, and a furrowed brow that made his young face crinkle. He opened and closed his fists, an old nervous habit he would never kick, and then sighed. Eiffel had put all this work in just for him. He had made it so Jacobi could actually enjoy his birthday, and done it in a Daniel Jacobi Style way. Though Eiffels tactics for buttering him up didn’t work, they were actually things Jacobi enjoyed doing. He likes watching x-files late at night and leaving it on when he sleeps. He likes sleeping in and waking up to find Eiffel beside him. And he most definitely enjoys when Eiffel grabs him by the hips for a kiss. If you were to give Jacobi a choice on how to spend his birthday, he would definitely pick that last one. But he’s not going to spend his birthday kissing his boyfriend to death, because his boyfriend helped re-plan a birthday party just for him, and he was going to be late. 

“Are my parents gonna be there?” Jacobi sheepishly joked 

“No Daniel, I’m pretty sure they still think you’re dead.”

“Thank god.” 

There was a quick, breathless laugh between the two. “Fine.”

Eiffel looked dumbfounded, his expression a mix of confusion and pride. “You’ll go?!”

“Just for a bit.” 

He tackled Jacobi, planting little pecks along his neck and cheeks while yelling variations of ‘thank you!’ between each kiss.

Jacobi snorted “I said only for a bit!”

Eiffel pulled away, but still held Jacobi in a tight (sitting) bare hug.  
“Lovelace is gonna freak that you actually showed up. I think she started a betting pool with Hera to see if you’d actually come?” 

“Wait” Jacobi questioned “you invited the alien?”

“Yeah, why? There a problem?” 

“ No, just thought she’d be busy on her crusade against our crude, capitalist government”

“I thought so too, but apparently she got a big break from some resources in the FBI. Guess someone’s out there looking at our case.”

There was a sudden noise that made Eiffel jump off a mortified Jacobi, but when they looked up, all they could see was the ending credits of the x-files playing. 

“Jesus- I thought you paused that?” 

“.. I did.” 

*insert x-files theme*


End file.
